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:: Where I am :: (847 Reads)
Posted by
Dean
on Tuesday, December 02, 2008 - 08:13 PM
Listless, aimless, directionless. No longer really enjoying my entertainment diversions. Just trudging along doing what needs to be done, and yet nagged by the feeling that I'm either forgetting something, or completely unprepared for something.
The new job is taking its toll on me. The 75 miles (one way) commute, while tolerable- simply removes a large chunk of productive timeout of my day. And forces me to have to get up earlier and therefor go to sleep earlier just to get to work on time. But even with efforts to get reasonable amounts of sleep, I'm still fighting falling asleep at my desk in the middle of whatever task I'm doing.
Tasks at work very greatly. There was time where I was involved in a project, on the periphery, where I felt like I could contribute, that I had skills that may be of use, that I could be "productive"... but now that phase is done and I'm back to my other element- quasi electrical engineering- which I constantly flip-flop back and forth with panic attacks that I am completely beyond my capacity, and the occasional realization that some of these projects aren't that hard.
Its not that I'm completely at a loss in the world of electrical systems, but in this environment, terminology and practices are being constantly debated and argued over. And for some reason, I don't feel like I'm getting properly introduced to this environment.
Which is to say that the whole socio-political atmosphere is somewhere between large-tight-knit family brothers and sisters egging each other on; and some really foul mean spirited school yard bullying between kids of different ages groups wanting the same play equipment. That's not to say that I don't appreciate and enjoy many of the people here, but that they seem to be either trying to keep their heads low and unnoticed or they're shoving their way through the lunch line to show that they can be nicer to you than everyone else.
As to diversions and entertainment. I fear I've lost my interest in Warcraft. which is a real shame since it was a great couples activity for the wife and i, and it was an excellent platform for keeping in touch with certain groups of friends as they disperse. Something about sitting in the car for for an hour driving to work, sitting at the computer at work, sitting driving home, has lead me to not be so interested in sitting playing computer games.
I believe its something in the same scenario that has also lead my whole body to hurting. Just aching for lack of use. It may also be the reason I'm so tired all the time.
I'm physically losing strength and it sucks. But I'm hard pressed to find time to exercise other than the weekends.
Also on my plate is, of course, the holiday season, the need to purchase gifts, the lack of funds, the lack of inspiration as to what to get people.... oh and the minor "10 year anniversary" thing- which I feel that I owe my wonderful wife so much, and much derision at myself for not having anything to offer in return. She's wonderful enough to say we'll just stay home and play video games again this year. It doesn't mean i can't help but want more for her. It agonizes me to know that I can't afford in time or money- anything more for her.
Back to the diversions concept. so to fill my time driving back and forth, I now listen to audio books. but I think I'm getting burnt out on books now. and you have to understand that's like saying I'm tired of having a face. I am, was, an avid reader. voracious. but now, I feel, unimpressed by it all. I don't care about stories or characters or the need to see how a plot resolves. It could be I've just had a run of crappy books, I know, I hope.. but I respect some of these authors, and can not fathom them venturing into mediocrity.
This time on the road, plus work has also put a crimp in my communications with friends and family. I feel very out of touch with many people I would never have imagined going a day (much less a week) without talking to.
I need .... something. to do, something. that will let me reconnect with those that are most important to me. and yet still allow us to pay a mortgage and put food on the table.
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Re: Where I amby hank_le (henryatsignleinhosperiodcom) on Jan 24, 2009 - 12:56 AM (User information | Send a message http://www.leinhos.com) |
| Sounds like you're in a slump. |